UNPOSED EPISODE 01

“Selfies as a Love Language (Not a Performance)”
INTRO


Welcome to Unposed.
This show is made possible by the generosity of Mrs Kristin Cawyer, her belief in this project, and her faith in the message behind it. Her support helped bring Unposed into the world, and it does not go unnoticed.
I’m Amber Lane — an award-winning boudoir photographer, unofficial confidence coach, and creator of a supportive online women’s community that’s been thriving since 2017.

Today I want to reframe something that a lot of women do… and then immediately feel embarrassed about.

Selfies.

Not the kind you take to prove something.
Not the kind you take because you’re performing for the internet.

I’m talking about the kind you take when you’re alone in your house…
and something in you says, “Wait. I want to remember this.”
Or when you walk past your reflection and notice the way the light hits your face in a pleasing way
Or when you find yourself with someone you love and you’re just filled with genuine joy


Because I think selfies can be a love language.
Not for other people — for you.

And if that sounds dramatic, stick with me. I’ll make it practical.


Part 2
Most women have been taught two extreme options when it comes to their image:

Option one: avoid it.
Don’t be in photos.
Don’t look at your own reflection too long.
Don’t draw attention.
Don’t take up space.

Option two: perform.
Curate.
Edit.
Make it “good enough” to be seen.

But there’s a third option that almost nobody talks about.

You can use your own image as a tool for connection.
The same way you might use journaling.
Or painting.
Or singing a song.
Or taking a photo of your kid or your cat just because you love them.

A selfie can be the gentlest version of saying:
I’m here. I’m real. I’m allowed to exist in my own life.

Shooting mostly women’s portraits full-time for the past nine years means I have spent a lot of time around hundreds of women in emotionally significant moments.

Not just “cute photo” moments.
Real moments of revelation and self-reflection.
Real moments of allowing themselves to be the main character.
Real moments of hearing someone praise them and taking it in rather than deflecting it.

And I’ve noticed something that makes me sad in a very specific way.
A lot of women don’t realize how much of their life they’re disappearing from…
until they’re looking back.

And I don’t just mean photos.
I mean memory.

Because when you spend your whole life trying to look “acceptable” for other people you don’t get to be present.
You feel like you’re watching yourself from a distance, policing every move, every angle, every strand of hair and smile line.
Eventually you stop trusting your own reflection, because it always feels like a test to spot the flaws.
You stay behind the camera at birthdays and special moments. 
You make sure the memories exist for everyone else, you offer your perspective as a viewer, but you stop showing up in the memories themselves.

So what if your relationship with your image could become less of a test, and more of a witness?

Part 3
If you love someone, you notice them.

You notice the way they laugh.
You notice the way their hair falls when it’s damp.
You notice the tiny things that make them themselves.

And you might take a picture. Not because it’s perfect,
but because it matters to you.

I want you to imagine applying that same energy to yourself.
Not in a fake “I’m obsessed with me” way.
In a devotional way.

In an “I am worthy of being remembered” way.

Selfies as a love language sound like:

“I’m proud of myself today.”
“I survived this week.”
“I want to remember what my face looked like when I felt peaceful.”
“I want proof that I existed outside of my responsibilities.”

Maybe the most unexpected part of that practice is that, when you start taking photos of yourself like that, your confidence changes, almost as a side effect.

THE MYTH: “SELFIES ARE VAIN”

Some of us still have this voice that says:
“Selfies are vain.”
“Selfies are cringe.”
“Selfies are for girls who need attention.”

And I just want to say this gently:
That voice didn’t come from nowhere.
A lot of us were raised in a culture that wanted women to be pretty, but not know it.
Wanted women to be desirable, but not own their own desire.
Wanted women to take up less space, but still somehow be effortlessly perfect.

Think about it: how many songs or movies are written about the girl who is so beautiful, but she doesn’t see it until someone else confirms it for her. Seeing it herself would make her vain or arrogant, so someone else has to “discover” her beauty for her.

It’s not the only option.
It’s a trap.
And it’s exhausting.

So if you’ve ever felt guilty for wanting to take a photo of yourself, you’re not broken.
You’re socialized.

Part 4

There’s a difference between confidence and conceit.

Conceited people have an inflated, arrogant view of themselves, seeing others as inferior and needing constant praise, while confident individuals trust their abilities, are open to growth, learn from mistakes, and lift others up without needing external validation. Confidence stems from inner security, whereas conceit often hides deep insecurity.

Confidence is:
“I’m allowed to exist as I am.”
Conceit is:
“I need you to be impressed.”

One is inward.
One is performative.

And I’m not even here to judge performative selfies — if you love glam and artistry, that’s valid too. A scroll through my Instagram feed would show you all kinds of self-portraits that I planned, set up for, and executed in a very labor-intensive way because that’s my art and I live for it.

But today I’m talking about the inward kind.
The kind that helps you come home to yourself.
The kind of selfie that puts the permission to exist in your own hands.

Part 5

If you’re feeling up to the challenge, I want to give you one practice you can try this week.

I call it the 7-second selfie.

It’s not a photoshoot.
It’s not content.
It’s not something you have to post.

Here’s how it works:

Once a day, or a couple times a week,
take a photo of yourself in whatever state you’re in.

No fixing.
No angles.
No “wait, let me put on mascara.”
No deleting five times before you allow it to exist.

Just one picture.
Seven seconds.
Done.

If you can, set your phone on a window sill with plenty of light, and set a timer or take a quick video in selfie mode that you can screenshot an image from later.

And here’s the key:

When you look at it, you’re not allowed to critique your body.
You can notice things, but not punish yourself, just to log in your memory.

Instead of self-punishment, ask these questions:
What was happening right before I took this?
What emotion is in my face?
Do I look tired? Content? Soft? Guarded?
What do I want to remember about this season?

Because the goal isn’t “look hotter.”
The goal is: become familiar.

Familiarity creates neutrality.
Neutrality creates peace.
Peace creates confidence.

Part 6
Another reason this matters is because mirrors are… kind of dishonest.

Not because they lie.
But because we bring so much energy and power to them.

We stand in front of the mirror like we’re about to be graded.
We look for problems to solve.

A selfie, especially a quick one,  can be less loaded.
It’s a snapshot, not an oral presentation you give in front of the class.

It gives you a little distance.
And sometimes that distance is what allows tenderness.

If you do this for a month, you’ll start to notice something.
You’ll start to recognize yourself.
Not “the version of you that looks good.”
The real you.

The one who exists in the middle of life.
The one who has expressions.
The one who changes.
The one who is allowed to be seen even when nothing is “done.”

And one day — I promise — you’ll scroll back and feel this strange warmth.
Not because you looked perfect.
But because you were yours.
 
Don’t believe me?
Go look at a photo of yourself from fifteen years ago.
Or as a teenager. Or a small child.
How do you feel about that person? Do you feel compassion for them? Want to offer them patience? Want to hug them close and help them get through the next phase of their life?
Most likely, yes. We often find ourselves trying to become the person who would have protected ourselves when we were younger.

But did you feel that way 15 years ago about your present self?
Did you give yourself compassion or patience?
Did you give yourself praise and loving words?

It’s a vicious cycle, but one that can be broken once you change this one little thing.
And what better time than today?

Part 7
If this idea resonates, try the 7-second selfie this week.
And if you want to take it one step further, create a private album on your phone called “Unposed.”
No posting. No pressure. Just a place to exist.

Because when you practice seeing yourself without judgment…
that belief starts to loosen its grip.

You stop being afraid of the camera.
And you start treating it like what it actually is:

A witness to the life that you are allowed to live in a way that pleases you.

Part 8
If this episode gave you a little exhale, I’d love it if you subscribed to help others find this show.
And if you have a friend who’s been disappearing from photos… send this to her

This is Unposed.
I’m Amber Lane.
And I’ll see you next time.